Trapped Inside..............

Today is February 15th. I am creating this place so that I may journal my thoughts and updates for my family, friends, and myself. I guess, for me, I realized something was wrong on March 11, 2007. Ironically this happened to be my 7 yr wedding aniversary. I woke up with my little girl because she had to go to the bathroom. As she sat on the potty I fell out on the bathroom floor. I fell so hard I took down the towel rack off the wall. I remember just shaking on the floor. I don't remember or even know how long I was down but at some point I looked up at Lydia and she just sat staring at me. I crawled to the phone (Nate was sleeping on the couch b/c Lydia had taken his spot in the bed) and called my mom- it was 5am. I told her I thought I had had a seizure. I had never experienced one but I knew this was different from the passing out episodes I had had as a teenager. I went to the local hospital and I did have a cold, they did a simple chest xray and some dr. came in and told me I had pneumonia. So, I believed him and went home on bed rest for a week.. That was just the start. From there on I knew something wasnt right with me. I went from being very outgoing, physically active- jogging 1-3 mi. at a time, teaching dance, and well just being me to being trapped inside this weak, sick body. This body, this pain, I don't even recognize. Nausea seems to be a close enemy of mine. He shows up when my feet hit the floor in the mornings and if I'm lucky He walks me into walls. He is quite an annoying thing. He reminds me He's there when I do simple things such as dressing the kids, driving down the road and anytime really. Gross really. July 07 went to my dr. who I never went to because I was healthy and rarely even took an aspirin, vitamin, etc. Told her my symptoms... Along with nausea, electic shocks up and down my body, head and spine, face, head, face, throat, body going to sleep, at times didn't know if i was breathing, stuttering, not being able to tell time on a face clock, wanting my hands to do something but they just wouldnt and last but not least I had and have been lactating for 5 years without stopping. Weird?!? The dr. finally said okay MRI. And weeks later the word that would change my life forever. Chiari. This word goes way back with me. I had a minor accident at gymnastics when I was 11, simply rolled out of a headstand, stood up and collapsed. I couldn't feel anything from the neck down, couldnt move and was having trouble breathing. Ended up at Wake Hospital in an MRI machine. After a few scary days, I remember oddly this young dr. standing at the foot of my bed saying Chiari. It is pronounced Kee-ari. So for years didnt know how to spell it just knew whatever it was started with a K. He described it to me as having too much tissue around my spinal cord so when I rolled on it just right it pinched my spinal cord causing the events I just described. No pressure on your neck from now on. That's it. And up until now I never took it too seriously! Now it is all I think about. It's not just tissue around my spinal cord. ITS MY FREAKIN' BRAIN! It (my brain) has fallen/slipped out of my skull and now is in my spinal canal along with my spinal cord in a very small space. Yuck! It kind of grosses me out just to think about it. I don't think the same way anymore. I can't process things very well. That is hard because I have always been quick with words, a Little Sarcastic?, and witty!!! I still am inside, just can't communicate it that well. And on top of that, in the last month, I found out the tissue (dura) holding all that crammed stuff (spinal cord, brain stem along with brain, nerves and whatever else) is thin. Yes, I had four leaks the other day. Four tears along the dura. Fancy that! It was so painful getting those fixed. We'll see how it works... As of right now, I don't feel any different. I have new symptoms, like my head may explode in the back. Have you seen the movie "Hellraiser"? Well there is this fellow called Pin Head, I believe, and he has just that- Pins sticking out all over his head. Yes, I identify with this man. I intend not to raise Hell though. Dr. said maybe surgery if this leak repair doesn't work. He's hoping fixing the level of the spinal fluid will push the brain back up. Now just continuing to wait, which seems to be the name of the game in this new world I am now living in. Yes my world has changed. Yet I have not, and most importantly my Savior has not. He and I have had many talks about this. I am not even close to understanding why, but I have all faith that He will never leave me. I will continue to Live Out Loud, and blog about it. Sounds fun, right?