mirrors

Hello. Today is Monday. I had an interesting day yesterday. For starters, I did more yesterday than I have done in a month. I actually got up and had a shower like normal people. I got ready and we went to church. It was so good to get dressed up and see people other than my family. When I got there though I started getting a little nervous. I think a hard part of this is having to talk about it all the time. Its almost embarrassing too. The good thing, is that I dont know a whole lot of people at the new church yet. So most, don't even know i have had this done, because, honestly I look like you. My hair has grown back in a way that I can cover it. The sermon yesterday was a great one. The Spirit always delivers to me and you in way that is personal to both. We went out to eat. Here's where it gets funny. I see people who know me, right. Everyone acts differently. Some come right up and immediately get to the point. Others just stare from far away, whispering with their families. I'm telling you it is hilarious. I try to put myself in their shoes though. I wonder how I might act or what I would do and the truth is I don't know. I thought I would write about it though. Nate and I were able to steal away yesterday to a movie and that was great. We met up with our family at McDonalds and the kids enjoyed their Happy Meals and playing in the playcenter.

Finally we got home to see Extreme Home Makeover at 8. Although I had seen it before, it was from a different perspective. The first time I watched it I hadn't had surgery and didn't know mine was as serious as it was. Now I was able to watch it from the otherside of surgery. It is so hard to listen to it and understand all the things associated with the disease. It is hard to accept. You see I am going to try and explain this the best way I know how. All I know about myself is everything I feel and everything I see. You see I have this perception of myself as you do alike. I wonder how many times in our lifetime we spend in front of a mirror. What you see in the mirror is how you develop a self image. I consider (after spending time looking in a mirror) myself to be normal. An ordinary woman, one I would see out in a store. I look healthy. I look put together. My makeup is just right, my hair is just right. I am not sick. So then there's this constant reminder called pain. Here I will note that his friend Nausea hasn't showed up as much since surgery. Praise God. And here comes the part with a different mirror. There is this mirror that doesnt show me what I am wearing. It doesn't show my lipstick. It shows me the sickness. If the house gets dirty it shows me I am sick. If the kids are out running and playing in the yard, it shows me I am sick. When I see someone going to the gym or jogging on the street, it shows me I am sick. When I see people dancing or performing on television, it shows me I am sick. And then I go to the mirror in the bathroom and go, I am not sick. It is this constant battle, back and forth. My mind is slipping and i find myself needing to learn anything. I am reading books. Tons of books. Crosswords. Scared to death that I am going to wake up and not remember anything, or worse to remember everything and not be able to communicate with the ones I love. I understand everything that you do about faith and worry but it is still very hard.

Well enough of that for now. I want to thank everyone. All the cards. I am seeing all sorts of things happening. I know that this blog has become a popular one and I am trying to keep it up. For some reason this is part of the plan. On Wednesday I am going to post a picture of my head one month post-op. It is really unbelievable how quickly scars are disguised by hair!!!!
love to all